Confessions of a QAF fangirl
by bondageluvr
Summary: Because we all know that's how we got hooked


Confessions of a QAF fangirl by Daphne ~Angel~

I first came across the series while browsing for gay porn. It's true. I'm not particularly proud of being a sucker for hot, sweaty buttsex, but I'm proud enough to tell you this - I love everything gay.

Mind you, I'm not one of those straight girls fawning over gay guys, secretly hoping to turn them straight or something. To be fair, I call myself bi-sexual, though in reality I've kissed and slept with more girls than guys... A lot more. I guess I'm kind of lesbianic.

Anyway, I was just looking for another video with pretty bottoming twinks and muscly, manly tops when I came across a small clip, maybe 2 minutes long, titles 'Brian/Justin'. I shrugged, reaching for the arrow keys to continue my search when my gaze shifted to the small image next to the title.

That's where it all began - a small, 70 on 70 screencap.

What I saw was flesh. Skin. Lots of it. I could see a mass of limbs, tangled together so tightly that I couldn't even make out whether they belonged to one person, or two, or more...

Feeling a delicious shudder at the thought, I contemplated it...

And didn't click on the video.

I went straight to Google.

My hands shaking with excitement that hasn't been there before, I typed in 'Brian Justin', hoping to find something, anything... I realized I was hoping they were some kind of porn star nicknames for two guys who made those series of tapes together or something.

It turns out, I wasn't that wrong.

Anyway, I clicked 'Search'.

That's when I first saw those three letters that are now randomly littering my desktop in filenames.

Q.

A.

F.

A YouTube link came up first. I was kind of disappointed, 'cause let's face it, YouTube doesn't host porn. But I clicked it anyway.

The video turned out to be a collection of clips, moments of Bri and Jus together. I watched it twice, my eyes not believing what they were seeing - the 'Description' section said 'Clips from the Cowlip TV-series..."

TV-series!!!

That meant there was more of this.

I typed in 'QAF S1 E1'.

By the end of hour one I knew all the characters' names, who they were, and what they were to one particular character who made me want to reach out through the screen - Brian Kinney.

Fucking Brian Kinney.

Or rather, Brian Kinney fucking everybody else.

Enter Justin. Well, I just gotta say that there's so much chemistry between the two characters, actors, whatever that I my eyes were glued to the screen.

Neither of them seemed physically attractive at first, I mean, Brian was clearly a bit too drugged out and slightly... old and Justin looked no different from all the kids I went to school with.

But the more I watched, the more I saw how pouty Brian's lips were, how strong his jaw was... How blue Justin's eyes were, and what a beautiful smile he had.

I'd never fallen in love with movie characters... Until then.

I gasped when I saw their first kiss, I couldn't believe it was happening. I couldn't believe they would actually show this on-screen. I was used to horribly-written heterosexual G-rated series that ran non-stop on thousands of screens every day.

I wasn't used to muscled arms gripping a manly waist, stubble on stubble, lack of a bosom separating the two characters, both their flat chests allowing them better access, more touching.

I wasn't used to Brian's tongue delving into Justin's mouth, teeth bumping, hands roaming... It was so different from all the close-mouthed hetero kisses I've seen in zillions of movies, I had to close my eyes and pinch myself.

I smiled at Brian's 'I believe in fucking' monologue - it being the philosophy I lived. I found I was very much like Brian and at first it scared me, and then I thought - oh what the hell?

Then it turned out to be more than just sex - I've learnt so much about the gay community, the lifestyle, the ups and downs (or should I say, the tops and the bottoms?), the hating idiots, the homophobic parents...

Though I should confess, the first time I watched the show, I just FF'ed the parts with the boring talking and skipped ahead to hot Brian/Justin sex.

When I saw episode 13 of season 5, I felt dread.

I found out the series was over in 2005, that my favorite couple didn't get their happy ending.

I was depressed for a week. Seriously.

Then I re-watched the series once more, this time paying close attention to detail, though my hand itched to reach for the 'Fast Forward' button.

I watched and watched, shedding tears at each breakup, Justin's bashing, Vic's demise, everything.

I re-watched the non-wedding and cried even harder, though, for the record, I didn't even bat an eyelash when Leo popped his clogs in 'Titanic'.

I delved into the world of fan fiction, eventually getting hooked on 'RPS' - which meant not Brian and Justin, but Gale and Randy.

Then I found out Gale was straight.

I 'pff'-ed and continued on reading.

So that's where I am now, re-watching my favorite moments, reading slashy slash.

...And hoping against hope that I would live to see Season 6.

So I would like to say thank you to everyone who worked on the show for making my day.

And a special thank you to Brian and Justin... No, Gale and Randy, for teaching me to feel again.

xoxoxo

Daphne.


End file.
